Things you wouldn't like to read!!

I have so many thoughts all the time… sometimes I wonder if my mind would ever stop talking to me, reminding me things of what needs to be done, of the responsibilities I have. So many times I have wanted to run off somewhere. A place where no one would know me, somewhere I can be free. But then again my wishes are interrupted with the thoughts of my mother, her desire to be able to achieve what she has set out to do. Her paintings, her children are her world and if I am not there it would be very difficult for her to move ahead…at least for a while I believe. And my brother, who needs me to take him through his adulthood. He needs me to be there to give him what he needs, to be able to freely ask what he desires without having to think twice. And this is what hurts me, I cant afford it all. I hardly get anything when my paycheck comes and to top it all are my personal loans, credit card payments, house expense and a little for myself. And by the end of the second week I am high and dry.

I see my friends married, some with kids. Its such a beautiful feeling. I look at pictures of them and their new family and I have this weird feeling, I am jealous even though I am so happy for them all!! But why??

I have had dreams of being married with a great family , lovely children, a life with no worries for years now. When in school we would have this game called 'house-house' and I would love playing that game so much. Some kids would have tired out playing those games but I never did. Even today I pretend sometimes that I am married and all that I once though of had come true and sometimes I get pretty good at my acting skills all alone at home then again reality strikes me. Silly me! I may never be married with the way things are going. I am not able to save anything for my future. I dont have a single jewellery to boast of. My priorities have changed with time & now its just my family.

Thank goodness I have an angel like Fahad with me, who takes care of everything right now. He has done so much for me and I know that I can never repay him back for it. I am in debt to him in so many ways. He has always been there for me and my little family financially and emotionally. I don’t know if its love and sometimes I still don’t understand what that word actually means. But having someone’s thought in your mind ever now and then, wanting to know if he had his meal, got up on time for work, making sure he is happy, planning surprises just to see that look on his face, annoying him just because there has not been any quarrel for a while now, applying ‘mehendi’ on his hair, saying to myself that I am the luckiest person on earth to have him around, to know that he is aware of my past and yet accepts me today for what I am today is ‘LOVE’ then yes I love him.
This someone means a lot to me…. But tomorrow when he leaves me and moves on in life, I really dont know what I would do. I will move on too I guess with my load of baggage on my shoulders which by then would be more hunch than ever!!