Things you wouldn't like to read!!

I have so many thoughts all the time… sometimes I wonder if my mind would ever stop talking to me, reminding me things of what needs to be done, of the responsibilities I have. So many times I have wanted to run off somewhere. A place where no one would know me, somewhere I can be free. But then again my wishes are interrupted with the thoughts of my mother, her desire to be able to achieve what she has set out to do. Her paintings, her children are her world and if I am not there it would be very difficult for her to move ahead…at least for a while I believe. And my brother, who needs me to take him through his adulthood. He needs me to be there to give him what he needs, to be able to freely ask what he desires without having to think twice. And this is what hurts me, I cant afford it all. I hardly get anything when my paycheck comes and to top it all are my personal loans, credit card payments, house expense and a little for myself. And by the end of the second week I am high and dry.

I see my friends married, some with kids. Its such a beautiful feeling. I look at pictures of them and their new family and I have this weird feeling, I am jealous even though I am so happy for them all!! But why??

I have had dreams of being married with a great family , lovely children, a life with no worries for years now. When in school we would have this game called 'house-house' and I would love playing that game so much. Some kids would have tired out playing those games but I never did. Even today I pretend sometimes that I am married and all that I once though of had come true and sometimes I get pretty good at my acting skills all alone at home then again reality strikes me. Silly me! I may never be married with the way things are going. I am not able to save anything for my future. I dont have a single jewellery to boast of. My priorities have changed with time & now its just my family.

Thank goodness I have an angel like Fahad with me, who takes care of everything right now. He has done so much for me and I know that I can never repay him back for it. I am in debt to him in so many ways. He has always been there for me and my little family financially and emotionally. I don’t know if its love and sometimes I still don’t understand what that word actually means. But having someone’s thought in your mind ever now and then, wanting to know if he had his meal, got up on time for work, making sure he is happy, planning surprises just to see that look on his face, annoying him just because there has not been any quarrel for a while now, applying ‘mehendi’ on his hair, saying to myself that I am the luckiest person on earth to have him around, to know that he is aware of my past and yet accepts me today for what I am today is ‘LOVE’ then yes I love him.
This someone means a lot to me…. But tomorrow when he leaves me and moves on in life, I really dont know what I would do. I will move on too I guess with my load of baggage on my shoulders which by then would be more hunch than ever!!

The set-up

Mas is the sweetest girl I have known who is not only pretty, innocent, smart, intelligent and spiritually inclined she is also a devoted Sri Krishna believer. It's amazing how we ended up being the greatest friends.... touch wood!! Rashmi and I decided to shift together after staying in PG's for years over to Kailash Colony in Delhi. Mas was one of the girls in the same PG in GK-1 with rashmi. While in the process of hunting for a place Mas decided to shift in with us after we developed a great friendship. (I know its kinda weird to know that girls can be good friends too.. right??). Well it so happened that eventually there was a group of 9 girls (Mas, Rashmi, Nanu, Aarti, Geetika, Pooja & Mona-who stayed only for a few months, Swati and I) who finally ended up in that 2 bedroom house on the top floor (3rd floor) in H block. Those were some amazing days; parties almost every night, weekends hanging out with the boys, had coffee every now n then at Red bricks or Mocha, drinking and smoking(Oh mas was away from the smokes) and weekends- partied at some disco or the other and borrowed each others clothes. Well I had a little problem because the rest were all thin girls leaving Me and Mona aside. But nonetheless the dressing up part and Rashmi doing the makeup for all of us was so profoundly amazing. Myself, Mona and Swati if I am correct were the only girls working and the rest were studying in Amity, Noida. Then there was funny-flirty sardar Jimmy who was dating one of the girls at that time who was a frequent visitor, another regular was Bharath who had surma like eyes who was a real good friend of Jimmy and the snake dancer Raymond (snake-dancer is because he shapes his hand in a curve like Sridevi in the hindi movie 'naagin' above his head and dances only on hip-hop numbers. Its a sight no one can ever forget!! And we girls have refused to dance with him ever since. Ha Ha) who was hilariously sweet though (to me at least). We had our days of perpetual fun but at the same time days when we would be cursing each other and fighting and quarrelling over petty issues.. but that is what made us love each other so much. One evening while getting ready for a great-party-to-be at 'Orange' if I remember or 'Pluto's'( bad memory-sorry) mas decided it was time she joined in with us taking a sip or two of Vodka before leaving. We all took turns to take a shower (since there was only one bathroom) and while the wait was on we decided to start the party mood then n there itself. Mas drank quite a few pegs that night and spoke things that should not be revealed here but believe me it was so funny that I tumbled off the bed just listening to her. I decided to call up a merchant navy friend-Rohit who I met at some random party n exchanged numbers to come and join us. I kinda thought he was cute (It was pretty dark when I saw him for the first time). At the party, we all danced and sang along with the DJ and his music (if we knew the lyrics that is) and drank like crazy untill I noticed Rohit in the far end corner. He looked different and Mas pointed it out to me that he was short too. He came over and asked me to dance and once on the floor I only kept praying for the music to stop because this guy had a one cheek dance!! Now one cheek dance means he just stood staring at me with his hip movement to one side making only one side of his arse to move up and down!! Now that was worse than our snake dance Raymond!! Everyman in the room wanted to get as close to Mas as possible but this girl had her rules. She may have been sloshed totally but she knew where to draw her lines. yea and she disgorged too but that was all. She survived the night and later in the morning in her full senses vowed never to drink like that again. Many months later when we all decided to split up and move our own direction, Mas n I kept touch n met regularly. She finished her graduation from gargi college and moved on to study fashion designing.

In 2002 before I met Mas,I joined Convergys when the call centre world was a big BOOM!! Rohan n I along with a few others moved from Chandigarh to settle in Delhi/Gurgaon with our very first real job. We all had stars in our eyes for this real big adventure. i was happy that I had a friend like Rohan to accompany me. Love you Rohan!! In a few months time there was this big party organized by convergys to celebrate 1000 employees in India. I was so excited about meeting all the others there. All dressed up and ready to kill, Geetanjali n I (we were room mates n moved together to this PG type house in Sushant lok) got into our cab which came to pick us up and headed for this unimaginable-incredible beautiful farm house. Barely after a few welcome notes from the whos who of the company the fireworks display was on line. There were these games we played and Sam and I finally made it to the top of the game. Sam is a tall,smart,fair,decent enough, good looking guy I met at the party and immediately clicked. (Well clicked in a friendly way you bozos if there was something else in your mind!!) I was starving and desperately wanted the 'talk' to get over, and it finally did. The fireworks display was awesome. Suddenly the thatched huts caught fire and there was this chaos all over. We were escorted outside and moved to the waiting 100 odd cabs. well the party was over before it started!! What a disaster it was. But I met some real nice people for a gain. Sam left convergys after a few months and moved to UK for some higher studies. In the mean time we kept in touch and decided to catch up when we met.

Year 2008-Mas is finally a fashion designer now working for a very prominent well eastablished designer's studio. She had a wounded heart because of a lie and betrayal but lucky to have survived and avoided the clutches of a lusty man. She decided that she never wanted to be associated with any man ever. Ah very mas like- a girl who avoides any kind of fling with anyone even when beauty and brain was gracefully given to her by the almighty it was still very understandable for someone like her. And there was Sam who came back from UK and started working for a TV channel for the marketing department at a good post. I was in Bangalore by then and kept in touch with both of them regularly (mind you, they didn't know each others existence). One day while in a conversation with sam over the phone he jokingly said that I should look for a girl for him. Well guys would talk about almost anything that didnt matter to them just to get the conversation going. So I said I would think about it and moved on talking about something else. Just then Mas's call comes on waiting and this BRIGHT IDEA in my enormously BIG HEAD clicks!!

The set-up - I called Sam one day and told him that a friend of mine was seeking a job and he should call her because she was shy. So then Mas's no. was passed on to him.(Mas would have killed me for giving her phone no. to some stranger.. seriously!!) Next day Sam calls me and we laughed about what a fool he made of himself. That is when I told him that I wanted them to get to know each other. He was hesitant and said he had no idea what needs to be done and rubbished off my lame matchmaking conversation. On the other hand Mas felt sorry for him when I told her the truth about my failed attempt of getting them to know each other. A few days later I get a call from her telling me that Sam called her & they spoke for a while.He was sorry and wanted to make up by inviting her over for a cup of coffee (man! my plan was working and Sam is not as dumb as I thought he was).

Well the story doesn't end here. After they met they actually got to like each other. Mas thought he was the sweetest man on earth who still had his gentlemanly manners intact. She came to the conclusion that he was not only good looking but could talk about everything and anything under the sun (an intellect!!). They met once a week for coffee and then it moved on to going out for movies, lunch, dinner and declared that she was in love with Sam...FINALLY!!(good going girl!!). Well Sam was speechless after meeting her. He thought it was impossible for such a beautiful girl who was independent, smart, shy and very sweet could survive in a metro city without having to get herself involved in any kinda drama!! He would not tell me much (I suppose he knew that Mas had already revealed the conversation and their outings to me) about the things they talked about or places they went to, but would always end the call saying that he was very happy to have met her. And that she was perfect!!. (sign... how romantic is that)

September 2008- Mas calls me and gives me this awesome news that Sam finally proposed marriage and their parent have met each other and approved of it as well!! They only problem is that mansi is a 'mang-lik' (something about being born on a tuesday and being unlucky for her partner after marriage) and her family is highly religious and didn't want any kind of problem arising. Now it is also said that a 'manglik' girl should only marry a 'manglik' guy!! Can u believe this! After a few visits to different 'pandits' and comparing their kundali's, Mas's parents finally decided that the marriage would not happen!! Mas cried and cried and just didn't know what was going on. Well eventually after a month love won over all. Her parent after a big puja and with the approval from their family 'pandit' decided to go ahead with the wedding thing and decided on a date with some help from Sam's folks.

The D day- February 15th 2009. Well I obviously was invited and even offered air ticket for the travel. But as always my loaded stroke of badluck through my Boss's mouth tells me that a leave would not be possible at this time. Well if it wasn't this recession time when jobs are so hard to get, I would have just put my papers and left to watch my two best friends get married!!

A recurring flashback-one helluva day!!

"All the single ladies, all the single ladies...." the alarm almost punctured my eardrums.

Though Bangalore is practically warm throughout the year I prefer to have the fan on at full speed and cover myself up with a sheet 'head to toe'. I dreamily woke up with my eyes half shut and as usual the first thing I did was drink a glass of water. Well today was different;I could taste some substance other than smooth flowing water in my mouth!!

"yikes!! what the hell is this" my eyes as big as a pug dog's now look down into the glass. There in the half filled glass by now was small black-brown dots when looked closely revealed a huge number of ants... can you believe this ANTS for pete's sake!! Darn now my water filter has been ant infested for God knows how long. But why choose my filter when I managed to have a refill just a day earlier.

Nonetheless this reminds me of a funny baby story my grandpa used to tell me. when ever my glass of milk had an ant fall into it he would say"thats ok puttar, whenever you eat an ant it means that you would make a great swimmer when you grow up. Plus they dont hurt once they have drowned", and then I would drink it all including the poor dead ant sometimes!! Yeah I dont believe that story anylonger, but the fact is I cant keep a count of how many ants I may have swallowed over the years.

Well for those of you reading who dont really know me: let me tell you a little about myself. I have been gifted with 'verbal diaohria', live large in all aspects but always into denial (largely) which precisely makes me proportionate in everyway and in no way would I reveal my weight to you now if thats whats going on in your head. Born to a Punjabi mom and a Karbi father from Assam has definately been the reason for my loudness (which obviously comes from mom) and mushy where the heart is concerned (I guess thats from dad... no idea).

I picked up the paper from my front portico, my throat still tingling with the 'ant-eeek' feeling. I did all my morning chores ( now dont expect me to explain them in details!!), and leave for work by 8:30 am on this lovely sunny day.

Normally it would take me 25-30 min to reach my work place but with the awesome traffic here and falling victim to road rage, it took me close to 45min to 1 hr to finally get my arse off the car seat!!

Fahad is coming today and boy I have gotta leave early. It's weird because I barely reached office and I have already begun scheming ways to bunk and leave early.

I could see Reshma from the corner of my eyes squeeling-dragging her chair towards my desk. "Hi, so are we going swimming from tomorrow?" Reshma and I enrolled ourselves with the catholic club swimming classes under the guidance of Nisha Millet & Bikramjit. "Yeah baby, all ready to swim like an ant". Oops did I just say ant!!

Then Reena walks in. Reena has been with the bank for almost a zillion years, happily married with two kids and her husband works in the same building as ours. "Hi Girls! so planning your slimming classes?" Actually the sole reason for enrolling was for us to shred the fixed deposits we both have gathered over the years. "yea, and we are so excited!!", it sounded almost like a chorus.

After a few boring hours of running around it was finally lunch time. We a group of 6 friends normally meet up for lunch in the cafeteria and share not only our tiffins but also office gossip which normally involves the other women at work, our bosses and about how much our job sucks. But today Cheryl and I planned to go gift shopping for her friends baby shower. So we decided to have lunch early and leave so that we can get back on time. Anu was on leave and Reena was stuck with work so Reshma, Cheryl and I headed downstairs to the cafeteria and gave a call to Mini to come and join us who said she would come in another 5 mins. We were almost done with our lunch when Mini finally showed up. And this is when Mini got angry and furious that we didn't wait for her and walked out infuriated. Oh come-on why are some woman so difficult. Well actually most.. I mean all women are difficult! True confession of a disillusioned woman.

Just as Cheryl n I entered the office my boss calls me from Mumbai wanting to know why I have not sent the data he needed? I now was too afraid to ask him for a half day and so after our brief conversation we hung up and I got back to making the report he needed. My boss is a nice man and we even went out for a drink and dinner when he visited Bangalore the last time. But when it comes to work he wants perfection in the most miserable-desirable way! So the sneaky thing I did was submit the report and leave office making sure no one noticed and went on mutton hunting for dinner.

It was my very first meat purchase and boy was I nervous. I just stood there in front of the butcher watching him slice and cut the pieces while I knew there were numorous eyes on me. I twitched and petruded my butt a little outward to give my posture some grace and twingled my hair around my finger. Once paid and packed I turned around to look at who may be looking at me but instead there were a bunch of uncle-like men with really oil-tanned skin and dirty yellow-brown teeth looking and smiling at me. I felt this rush of embarassment and dejection all at once and could feel my throat run dry and cheeks turn red. 'what was I thinking? my boyfriend was coming home after two weeks and here I was looking for attention! Darn Maggie grow up you're 28 yrs old' I thought to myself.

Though I love cooking I hate the part where I cry crocodile tears because of cutting onions. But the dinner was finally ready. I got a call from office asking me why I had left early without intimating anyone, I ran out of excuses and ended up saying that I was in no mood to talk and would speak to them tomorrow. I know now that my sneaky valour is going to cost me dearly.

Fahad was just in time for dinner.We hugged for a while and kissed. He had his bath and asked me to do the same. At that time I didn't really know why he asked me to do that in particular but while dinner I could get an awkward odour coming from me!! I was smelling of sweat(how sick can this get), mutton, and onions!!

I felt so embarassed and grabbing my towel and fresh clothes and not to forget a bottle of deo walked into the bathroom. By the time I finished scrubbing, shaving my arms and legs , making sure I was smelling good:Fahad was already fast asleep. I guess his train journey had really tired him down.

My personal psychoanalysis tells me that when I try too hard to make my day perfect, I am the one responsible for ruining it all!!.

Maggie